I sit in the front row at church so Father can easily bring communion to the few of us who have mobility issues. I rest the hymn book on the ledge in front of me so I have the good hand free to turn the pages. The rest of the congregation sits behind me and must shake their heads at my fumbling & stumbling. When I first started sitting there, I was a little self-conscience ‘being watched’ but have since learned to love the freedom in not hiding or down playing my botched abilities.
I’m sure most have noticed my butter fingers in the hymnal since I rarely get to the right page in time before the song is over. I giggle to myself each time humming along and participating in the familiar refrains until I get there. If I get there. I truly am un-ruffled.
Couple that with poor balance where I wobble noticeably to sit-down-stand-up-sit-down and my compromised health is becoming more problematic. So to counteract the downturn, I keep myself engaged in stimulating pursuits to feed my mind and keep me active. Use it or lose has been my motto for years and has brought me far. But what I’m finding out is activity is starting to become my entire focus, overshadowing God. Outside performance, opinions and reputation are start mattering too much.
But God has ways of bringing me back to center. Dropping a loaded paint brush when holding it for a feather-light stroke or fumbling an object three times can be exasperating. Try crisply fold a piece of paper with one hand. Anything requiring two hands is difficult. Tape of all kinds - masking, duct, green painters, scotch - have all been a good friend for quite some time now but lately with the good hand rumbling, adapting is not the same. And that scares me, pushing me further into activity, furthering my false-self feel-good ego-self which in turns fans the need for more outside approval. A vicious circle. But like I said, God has his ways.
I can keep resisting for all I’m worth hanging on to threads or I can let go and walk a new road (no pun intended). I can trust God and relax into it knowing He has brought me this far and won’t drop me now or I can choose to let my limitations bum me out only to get me more frustrated, angry, and tearful. New normals can be a launching pad into whole new world where His good graces will enable me to manage well the life given to me. A chance to cultivate a deeper trust in our Father knowing I will indeed be given the people, the tools to live a life of His design, not my own.
But even after all God has done for me and shown me, I can honestly say I still keep taking the reins back. Free will has its draw backs. The head knows what not to do, but the heart’s a little slow catching up. I think it’s time to let go of the side of the pool. I’m getting ready to turn the page and start a new chapter. Perhaps it’s a new book in the series.
As long as my butter fingers cooperate.
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