MS is keeping me right size alright.
I am so lucky to have an affordable place to live, money in the bank, and help outside my door if I need. I feel so blessed at being safe and secure, especially in these Covid days, I feel I am in a position to give back in big ways.
Not that I wish everyone could have MS but I do wish that everyone could learn the things it’s teaching me. By keeping me the right size. Like Paul say about his thorn in the flesh. (2 Cor 12:5-9)
Being creative and getting a kick out of my own humor and abilities, I started sharing my gifts around the building. Then snapping photos and sharing it with friends online. Getting a double bang for my buck I giggled to myself. Everyone agreed they were fun, playful and inspiring. Which fed more.
Who doesn’t like to be well thought of? Who doesn’t like to be inspiring to others? Who doesn’t want more? But somewhere along the line, exalting myself became more important than the inspiration itself. It undermined my sincere intention.
Boasting and pride was worming its way into becoming the frontrunner. And it wasn’t until people started taking down the elevator art or the 91-year-old I reached out to in the complex never acknowledged my homemade birthday package or blogging became a scheduled must-do regardless of it’s inspired content or technical brick walls prevented me updating a sorely old website, that the lights came on.
Something had been wiggling away inside that things weren’t right but it wasn’t until those concrete actions took place that I stopped and stepped back. I had to examine why exactly I was doing all that I was doing.
I was over busy with make-work projects to bring a smile to others. Or was I? Why would someone taking down my ditties in the elevator then?
I had to examine my real motives and if I was honest with myself it was pride. I was not really surprised but humbled.
I was devouring the feel-good feed back and like drugs, needing more all the time. I was again getting my value from what I did. I was taking on too much and my work was becoming shoddy with some falling through the cracks. Not the qualities I want to pursue. But I felt compelled to follow through since I said I would.
Upon examination, I discovered was I was again getting my worth from what I did and pats on the back. And it wasn’t until things started going sideways that I stopped to spend more time with God in prayer and meditation, my true source of value, did things become clear again. He is my source of permanent worth and value, and the busier I got the less time I could spend with Him. I saw my projects as built on sand, and not an outpouring of His spirit through me as it started out. I had gotten in my own way. And I learned the spirit of intention goes into whatever you do whether you see it or not.
I stopped coming up with make-work projects, made a list of all that was in-progress, and prioritized them according to God’s value not mine. My motives are clean again and I’m not doing more than I can comfortably handle. And funny how things are dropping back into place.
The 91-year-old hasn’t been well and couldn’t get back to me. I took down the elevator art and decided it’s not up to me to post my interpretation on a captive audience, cute or not. And I’ll only post things on the blog that are worth posting regardless of the date. Plus Wix got back to me with wonderful instructions on how to update it.
So while I don’t like the symptoms of MS I do like the wake it leaves and better understand the thorn in Paul’s side. (2Cor 5-9)
Perhaps these Covid days will do the same, grant us the time to examine and make necessary internal changes that will change everything on the external.